Finally Finding Real Love
It's almost been a year since I've been walking in deliverance from homosexuality. No words can describe how I feel at this very moment. I sit in awe at the sight I see, me and I'm free. No more hiding how I feel about women, no more lying to military members, and no more having to watch my back. I have the ultimate bodyguard. He is the greatest, He is all things and because of Him I have been giving the ability to overcome all things. They say that God will take what you went through and make that into your ministry. Sure enough he has, I've been able to witness to thousands of people from my page on blackplanet.com and soon I will be able to minister to more. Now a lot of people talk and say, 'I was never gay, I was confused, and or that I am still gay." I've come to realize that I must FIRST seek the Kingdom of God. No more worrying about the opinions of man, it's just all about God and me. Just the way it has always been.
I grew up like a lot of kids today, with just a mother and my father wasn't around much. I knew who he was, so I guess in that respect I was more fortunate then others. Homosexuality reared its head into my life at the age of approximately six. Where most little girls were playing house out of curiosity, I was getting it 'on' with my best friend because it 'felt good'. Like most, it gave me the affection I felt I never had. I knew it was wrong, but I just didn't care. At the time, I was staying with my grandmother but when the summer was over I went home. I spent most of my life like that school with my mother/summers with my grandmother. Occasionally somewhere in between I'd spend weekends with my dad so that my little sister and I could bond and have some type of relationship. I don't make this common knowledge but I believe the Holy Spirit is urging me to share this. My little sister and I, we shared an intimate moment, hiding in a closet, kissing as some little girls do. A few years later, my parents fell out and I no longer spent time with my dad or my half sister.
I by no means had the normal childhood, with all the little dolls and barrettes. I mean I had all of that but I had so much more. Best way to explain it, 'I heard voices and I saw things.' I had a relationship with God before I knew what it was, I had a relationship with Satan before I knew who he was. To me the voices were all the same. But soon I found out the big difference. See God loved me and wanted only the best for me and Satan well he was and still continues to try to steal from me, kill and destroy me. I was always being tempted or enticed by good looking women, none of which I could truly have. I mean there was this one woman, she would have slept with me if I had allowed, I was only twelve and she was in her early thirties. Married with four kids at the time, she eventually had another. The tempting and enticing went on for years, always desires and dreams about teachers or friends, I could never have. When I turned thirteen, an innocent desire to have a friendship with a teacher turned into an obsession. This obsession took two years after for me to finally get deliverance. Some days even now, I get the shakes just thinking about it. Through this entire situation, God was there, he never left me nor did he forsake me.
After some research, I found some interesting sources for homosexuality: (A) a demon, (B) Undeveloped relationships with same sex parents and (C) Sexual abuse [in any form, you name it]. So what caused it for me? (D)All the above and THEN some. A lot of the things if not most of the things I went through, were my fault. Others didn't help; in high school people were talking behind my back calling me a lesbian, dyke... whatever. I was a tomboy who didn't play sports. I was a thinker not a jock. At the age of seventeen the devil finally found away to get me with condemnation. I had slept with my best friend, a situation that caused me to 'feel' the need to lie and tell everyone at school "I was Gay." When in actuality I was not. Almost everyone who knew turned on me, in someway, shape or form. This caused me to do things I "felt" I had to do. I began hanging out with the lesbian crowd; they became my family. We chilled at breakfast, lunch and they skipped fourth period sometimes and I'd chilled with them since it was my off period. The situation with my ex best friend escalated, we were both trying to get into the military and we both had the same recruiter. He favored her more then he liked me. We fought, she jumped me, sprayed me with mace, I came after her with a knife, we avoided each other, we cursed each other out and more. All this because we wanted to be friends but our sin was too much for me to bare or continue in.
Well as it turns out I eventually did become gay, because of blackplanet.com I met my first girlfriend. We talked about three weeks and we met. Because of my prayers and a misunderstanding we broke up shortly after. It was hard, there was a bond that developed and it took me a really long time to get over her. I tried leaving women along and just doing me, I tried dating men; but I just ended up meeting my next girlfriend. I never was allowed to have long relationships but the little time we shared together was long enough for a bond to be created. That relationship took a toll on me in ways, I still do not fully understand. I was so emotionally drained from that relationship that the thoughts of suicide pressed me and continually made me sweat. One day, as I laid in my bed and watched her face flash constantly in my head. I thought to my self 'Lord, I'm going to die to day. I have two choices either I will die physically or I will physically and spiritually.' I wasn't ready to end my life and go to hell so I recommitted my life to Christ. Something I had originally done at the age of twelve. The recommitment lasted about two weeks. I was determined but I had lacked the knowledge of God to keep me from returning to my sin. I was still pretty new to the 'style' although it had always been a distant part of my life. Gay clubs were like a breeding ground for demons and I had a curious desire to be in the midst of it. The longer I stayed in the club the more comfortable I became.
I only had four girlfriends but let me tell you, whew. That is all I needed, they were a necessary evil in my life. Love them I do but I thank God [Everyday] for deliverance from them all. Too many times, my life was put on the line for living in sin with them because I knew better. One ex made me want to commit suicide and another made me want to commit a homicide on her. I 'felt' I loved them more then my very life. I committed myself to them in everyway but I couldn't stay faithful. I was torn I wanted to be in these relationships but I also wanted to be out of them. The longer I stayed in the unhappier I became... I didn't know what to do. Hurting people, hurt people! I can't even put enough emphasis on that. My ex hurt me so I decided subconsciously I was going to hurt my current girlfriend. So much happened, so very much in-between the times I cheated, the many times we broke up, the times I abused her verbally, emotionally and it was getting to a point where I began to physically abuse her. Not to mention, I mean; I claimed I loved this girl and I wanted to marry her but my actions showed other wise. Truly I was torn between the truth [God's truth] and my personal make believe truth. So what made this inner turmoil and conflict cease and desist?
God, He has made all the difference. My [now] ex girlfriend got into a car accident and God took the scales off of my eyes and it was like inhale-exhale. I realized that the car accident and a lot of other things that happened were caused by my disobedience. This is just the beginning of my testimony. See sin takes you further then you want to go and it doesn't even satisfy the desire or need it attempts to fill you with. This time last year I was living in sin, pressed by all sorts of demons. This year I turn twenty-one and I will be able to enjoy my life [in Christ] because finally I am Free. All the love and affection I searched for in other women, I finally found in the one who has always wanted to give it to me. Jesus died on the cross so I wouldn't have too. God is love and love is God. Once a stud now a woman of God, once was blind but now I see, once was dead but in Christ I have became alive. I just want the world to know that Jesus still saves.
Homosexuality is a choice; no one is born that way. To those who say Jesus can't save, mercy said NO! That is like putting Christ within a small box with a big lock. I've truly been blessed with an awesome church home rooted in Holiness and I've been even more blessed with a praying grandmother and mother who have raised me in the church. When times seem to be rough, the Holy spirit reminds me of these few verses "'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." -- 1 Corinthians 15:55- 57 and Job 13: 15 though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him. They say that a wise person learns from his own mistakes but a even wiser person learns from the mistakes of others. Jesus died so you don't have too, many people have over came homosexuality so you could know that with Christ you can too.
Star Burch lives and works in Arkansas and is founder of several overcoming online groups for women of color. Check out Star's Blog Quiet Moments with my Life. She has also authored a book describing her story in greater detail. Click on the following link to order Lord, Take Me and Make Something Beautiful: A One-Year Journey of Deliverance from Homosexuality
If you’ve never had a true and personal relationship with Jesus Christ you can right now by clicking here.
Not quite ready to start your relationship with Christ? Click here to ask us any questions you may have.
Would you like us to contact the author of this story for you? Click here to let us know and we will see if they are available.