Hopeless
Please understand that this takes a lot of courage on my behalf, as I'm really hestitant to share it....but God recently showed me that it is meant to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ -- you. So please remember as you read this...if I can be Saved, anyone can -- don't prematurely judge a nonbeliever as permenantly doomed.
I'm a 19-year-old freshman at Florida State University in Tallahassee, FL. I've been Saved for almost two years now.
Well, I was raised in a Catholic home, though there was definitely more tradition than faith or actual belief. My family has a very torn history, and by no means are Christian. The only other Saved individual in my family is my mom's older half-sister who has been disowned by her mother/my grandmother, and she has a live-in lesbian partner right now.
So! I did the sacrament of Confirmation at the local Catholic church in the 8th grade, and felt that I had "graduated" church. My younger brother who will be 16 this December often refers to it as "graduation" himself, since he Confirmed last year.
I know that by that time I had already lost my faith because in that last year at my middle school, the WWJD fad broke out and I didn't want anything to do with it. Sometime around 8th/9th grade I took down all the Christian paraphernalia in my room and gave it to my mom in a box. She doesn't have faith, but the rejection of family tradition hurt her. I feel bad about it now...I was too selfish to care about others.
I became a pagan of the sorts...similar to Wicca, yet not. My own creation of nature-worship. It was short-lived because it was irrational, and I always leaned on analyzing everything, including myself. Introspection played a large role in my life.
I eventually looked into other world religions and settled upon Deism in the 10th grade. Deism is basically and simply the belief in a creator god who does not care about us. Made perfect sense to me.
I was a terrible sinner, as we all were and still are. To skip the graphic details, I lost my virginity at age 16 (Nov 2000) and was quite promiscuous afterwards. Started drinking alcohol whenever I could and realized I had a problem shortly thereafter.
I was in Army Junior ROTC, and quite the star student academically as well as the star cadet in JROTC. At the end of each school year, the organization would hold what's called the Military Ball. Hot stuff -- awards ceremony, formal dance and dinner, the works. Very very prestigious and formal. This was May 2001, and I was a 16 years old sophomore. Told my parents that I was sleeping over my best friend Viviane's house afterwards, but really we were going to a huge party thrown by seniors first. We arrived and there was alcohol, of course, and I asked Vivi not to let me drink anything. Later that night, she handed me my first drink. After half a bottle of Vodka, some Jamaican and Puerto Rican rums, my first shots, Mike's Hard Lemonade, and a couple mixed drinks I was among the drunkest there. A friend, an acquaintance, and a perfect stranger raped me, and the hostess of the party pretended to take care of me by washing my clothes for me and giving me a shower and her own clothes. She was taking care of the evidence.
I had to tell my parents and my father called me a slut and my mom refused to speak to me. Summer arrived and I was sent to a psychologist while the Sheriff's Department sorted through stories of that night and what had happened to me. My mother later told me that we couldn't press charges because it would be three lawyers against one; I found out a few months ago that she just didn't want to ruin her work reputation. She and my father are police officers, and she has a high status at her department.
I "recuperated" well that summer and returned to my high school of 4,000+ completely ostracized. I was blamed for my rape. Those who didn't know my name referred to me as "the girl who was raped". Some pretended to be my friends, and that was so they could turn to others and say they heard "the real story of what happened" straight from me. I lost all of my friends because those who had raped me were popular and more well-liked than me.
Chris was a Christian in my psychology class that year. He had moved from another school to mine, and I had a bit of a crush on him, admittedly. I called him a "f---ing diluded moron" when he told me he didn't believe in evolution though.
Bryan moved into my neighborhood, and since he hadn't been around when all of this had happened, we grew to be close friends. He gave me a chance, and I really cherished his unbiased acceptance and friendship. After a lot of arguing with him back and forth, I finally gave in and tried pot in September 2001. Smoked it for three months...if I wasn't high, I didn't want to be alive...until I slept with someone I hated.
October 2001 I went to Washington D.C. for the National Youth Leadership Forum. Despite my underground life, I maintained good grades and was sent to represent my JROTC program. I met Fernando there, "coincidentally" from my area, though hundreds of students from across the nation were in attendance. We spent time together on and off after that week, and his biggest testimony to me was that he wouldn't date me because there was no marriage potential -- I wasn't a Christian like he was.
December 18, 2001...I said my mom was a police officer. She went to a domestic violence call and was purposefully run over by the man who was abusing his girlfriend. She was hurt very very badly, and was in Intensive Care Unit for a month. I knew she was in ICU longer than most because there were monitors in her room where the names of other ICU patients and their stats were...that way the nurses could keep tabs on other patients while tending to my mom. Their names constantly changed, but her name was consistently there. I never thought she would die. I didn't pray for her either. I took advantage of the sympathy and support that was offered to my family. I slept over my Satanist boyfriend's house as often as possible. And I told my guidance counselor I didn't want to be in my pre-calculus class anymore because my mother's health impacted my ability to concentrate. I lied and took advantage of others for selfish reasons...and God took my sin and used it to glorify Him.
I was switched out of that pre-calculus class as I had requested and switched into a team sports class. There, I "coincidentally" chose the same row as two girls named Merritt and Pam. Pam had a different coach than me, but Merritt was in my class. I was still enduring a lot of gossip and ostracision...I would be sitting in the bleachers and listening to the gossip right behind me, and Merritt would turn around and stand up for me, asking them to be respectful and find something better to do with their time. I would lie to her straight to her face to build myself up in her eyes, and God gave her the discernment to say to me "I know you're lying...you don't need to do that. I like you for who you are."
One day she was reading in the bleachers and I asked her, "What are you reading?" I thought she said "Ax" and asked, "Oh, is that a new horror or thriller novel?" She laughed and said, "No, Acts. Like in the Bible." I made a face of disgust and walked away.
That was in January 2002, and the next month my mom was released from the hospital...February 1. On February 11 we celebrated Christmas in my home. I took pride that I had held off on opening the Christmas gifts until she was home. Thought I was a great person.
February 27, Merritt asked me in class if I would come support her that night because she was singing at her church. I hated church, and loathed the hypocritical Christians I assumed were there even more. But I told myself I owed it to her -- she had been so kind to me for no reason at all, and I owed it to her. So I said I'd go, and I did.
I showed up with the intentions of leaving as soon as she was done singing. I had never been to a Protestant church before and didn't know I was going to be at a youth group. I showed up a bit early and saw so many people I knew from my school there. I later gave my testimony to the same youth group and said, "I knew so many of you. Why didn't I know you were Christian?" One of the girls at that Youth Group had been there at that party the night I was raped. She asked me afterwards if I was okay -- my heart was broken...had she witnessed to me, I would have listened. But it wasn't God's timing.
So the band started playing and we stood on our chairs. Total shock to me -- much different than a Catholic church. I clapped and sang along, reading the words projected on the wall behind the band. I had never really heard Jesus portrayed that way. What was grace? And we sat down and a young couple stood and gave their testimony. Sounded a little similar to mine -- they weren't claiming to be perfect either.
And then it was Merritt's turn. Chris, the kid I had cursed out for not believing in evolution, sat behind Merritt with his acoustic guitar. Erik, the youth pastor, stood and asked us to close our eyes and bow our heads -- I did so, as I always did out of respect. And then she sang. She has been blessed with a voice from heaven, and the words were a God-send, too. "Jesus, lover of my soul. All consuming fire is in Your gaze. Jesus, You alone are God, and I will follow You all of my days..."
I couldn't stop sobbing, I couldn't stop saying over and over again "I am so sorry...I'm so sorry." I didn't know yet how important my sorries were. And Chris and Merritt, as well as Pam and a friend, Taylor, prayed with me to accept Christ. Chris gave me his study Bible and they discipled me. They taught me how to live for Christ, and I knew I was different. February 27, 2002, God called me and I couldn't help but answer.
I love Him so much. He is my Life, my Love, my Master and Maker. He Saved me from myself, and I can't ever be thankful enough. He sacrificed so much for me -- He gave so much for me! I don't have enough to give back, I'm not capable of paying Him back -- my life is insufficient in thanking Him but I will give Him all that I have because He deserves nothing less! He Saved me! He Saved me!! I fall deeper and deeper in love with Him everyday and don't want it to be any other way. I don't know how I made it day-to-day without Him by my side -- and I look back now and see how He guided my life toward Him.
And that's my testimony.
Love in Christ always --
Mary
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UPDATE
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I write this in December 2006. I have been married since April 2004 to a wonderful man of God, Jonathan. My parents divorced in 2003; my dad has since remarried, and my mom is now also a lesbian with a live-in partner, like her older half-sister. My brother is in his first year of college, and though he is tattooed with the phrase "Family lasts forever," when he comes to visit me in Tallahassee, he spends more time with friends who went to FSU than his sister, which saddens me. I ask for prayer for my family, because they (like so many in our world) are very much wrapped up in their own lives, while time for them to accept Christ is dwindling. I love them very much, but could never love them as Jesus does, and hope they'll see that love soon.
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