My testimony begins in December of 1985, when I was 17. I was raised agnostic. My Father was agnostic and my mother a non-practicing Catholic. My oldest brother, Ken, came to faith in Christ when I was 8...he was 12. Throughout the years, after his conversion, he would preach 'Revelation' to us... warning us that if Christ came to rapture the church, we would be left behind to suffer the tribulation... reminding us that in the end if we rejected Christ it would end in our beheading if we waited til the Tribulation to accept Him.. So these stories stayed with me through my teenage years, even though I wasn't sure what was truth and what wasn't.
It wasn't until December of 1985, that I remember pondering all the things my brother used to share with us. Two weeks before Christmas came, I thought to myself, 'I wish I had a bible.' It was only a thought... not a prayer, and I didn't tell a soul. Two weeks later, Christmas morning had arrived and lo and behold what would I find under the tree addressed to me? A nicely wrapped bible from my brother Ken. Of course this surprised me because I knew that I hadn't told a soul... my suspiscions about the reality of God began.
Time went by and I continued in my life without God. I was living with a boyfriend who would physically abuse me, and a couple of times had the ambulance come out to assist my wounds. I went through this for 3 years with him.. The torment of that relationship was so overwhelming that I began to lose my sanity. Even when I would try to escape him, he would hunt me down and drag me back to his home... Even to the point of kicking my locked door in, and keeping me locked up for a week inside my apt. until I changed my mind about being with him... He forced me to, and did many other things to me which might not be edifying to mention. One night, I literally thought I was losing my mind. I couldnt stop these persistant thoughts to hurt him, and myself. I wanted out desperately. I did everything in my power that I could to stop these tormenting thoughts, but they wouldn't leave. I wrestled with these thoughts all through the night and it continued into the following week. Then I planned on killing myself. It was sheer torment. One morning, after he left for work, I awoke to voices. I looked up and someone or something in the closet called out my name. Knowing that no one else was in my apt., I jumped up in sheer terror and headed straight for the door. I ran as fast as I could to my mother's home, which was about a mile away. I was so terrified that I leaped out in front of cars, leaving them braking and honking at me. While I was running, I felt as though some evil presence was following me. I arrived at my mother's, totally in shock and horrified. In tears I explained to her what was happening to me and told her I thought I needed to be locked up in a mental institute. She recommended that I go with her to a church she was attending and talk to the Pastor. So I took her advice and waited with her until the service began that night at 7 pm. It was a Wednesday evening. In the meantime, I wrote out a lengthy letter to the pastor explaining my torment and begging for help... When the time came, we went to church and my mother walked me up to the Pastor. I gave him the letter, and he said he would read it when service was over. He asked me to wait around and come forward to him after the service. During the service, I was filled with anger. I couldnt understand what was happening to me and why I felt this way... I couldnt make it stop, and it literally scared me stiff. All through the service I felt nausious and wanted to run out.... I remember it was a cold night, thundering and lightening outside, pouring down rain.
Finally, the service ended... and I cannot express how relieved I was. The message was tormenting me to hear. I went forward to the pastor and he and another assistant pastor took me aside into another room. They explained the gospel to me and told me that Jesus could heal me... but it would be my choice to receive Him. They explained what He went through for me, dying on the cross for my sin. They explained the adversary, Satan, and his plans to steal, kill and destroy as many as he could before his time is up. This made sense to me.... I was so desperate for help that the sound of Jesus healing me was music to my ears. I expressed that I did want to know Him and asked them to show me how. They both laid their hands on me and asked me to repeat after them... together we prayed the sinner's prayer. After this, they began praying between the two of them, while I listened. I felt the Lord go through my body and heal me. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and the entire room was lit up. Their faces were glowing and I knew I had been healed. I looked at them and said, 'Jesus really is Lord! He really did die for us!' They welcomed me, held me, and rejoiced with me. When we finished, I walked out of the room, and my mother and maybe 5 others were left. The entire church had dispersed!! And this church was rather large... I asked my mother, 'where did everyone go? I was only in there about 10 minutes...?' My mother looked at my surprised and said, 'Honey, you were in there over an hour.' I couldnt believe it. Boy was I glad to have been set free. It was August of 1987.
In the days that followed, they counseled me that I needed to leave my abusive boyfriend... they advised me that it was sin and not God's will for me. I had a hard time with this because I had been with him for 3 years... I went home and told him what they advised.... He was highly upset. He started to curse me, and tried to talk me out of going to church. But I wouldn't listen... I packed my things and moved out... He stalked me, following me to my father's house... My family wasn't home at the time, so he began to throw rocks at the window in an effort to scare me. The front window shattered, but I was afraid to call the police. Despite how evil he was, I didnt want to send him to jail. He left and in the days to come, coaxed me into returning to him. I wasnt grounded in the Word, and did not have any christian friends to fellowship with, besides the pastor and the assistant pastor. They had duties of their own to fulfill, so I was pretty much a lone christian. Well, the temptation overwhelmed me, and soon enough I returned back to him. I slowly began to stop attending church, even though I still loved the Lord. My boyfriend began to beat me again and my life turned upside down again. I wasn't tormented mentally, but I began to delve into other areas of sin to try and escape my boyfriend. I ended up getting involved in homosexuality.
I was so upset at my boyfriend for hurting me so much, that I began to despise all men... In my error, I thought women might treat me better.. forgetting to reach out to God, who is the ultimate lover of my soul. I went through this homosexual lifestyle for 5 years, closer to 6. I was involved with a woman, that I almost ended up 'marrying' in the gay community. During this time, I struggled back and forth between God and sin.. riding the fence. I would break up with my girlfriend and go back to church for a while.... then I'd stop church and go back to her... and I also dated men. This went on for close to 6 years. The Lord still had His hand on me during all this time though... I never denied who He was nor that I had a relationship with Him. I was just caught up in sin and didnt know how to escape the sin that had enslaved me... I didnt know how to truly separate from it. So this was my life.....
After about 6 years, the Lord finally brought it all to a halt. The demons began to torment me again in my mind, and I experienced again what I had experienced when I first came to Him. I was utterly devastated. This time I knew it was chastening of some sort for what I had been involved in. Again I cried out to God to heal me, but it wouldnt stop. I wanted Him to heal me while I was 'still involved in my sin.' This He would not do. My friends noticed the change in me and asked me what was wrong, wanting desperately to help me. But they couldnt. Finally I had enough. I wanted to commit suicide. So I planned how to do it. I called my sister on the phone and told her I was committing suicide, and to please come get my daughter soon ( I had a 2 yr. old at the time)... My mother was visiting my sister and they both pleaded with me on the phone not to do it... they asked me to call the prayer line, ask for prayer, stay on the phone, and they would be right over. So I did... I called the prayer line and explained to them what I was going through. They talked with me and began to pray with me... right as they started to pray, my other line rang. It was my mother... she was crying and saying that as my sister was on her way to my home, a guy on a bike darted out in front of her and she hit him, going 55 mph.... the ambulance was on their way and the police were already there. I was shocked... I clicked back over to the other line, and told the prayer guy, 'if God loves me so much, then why is He letting this happen!!' I then hung up the phone. Shortly after that, my mother showed up at my home.... she stayed with me the remainder of the day.. but, as confused and angry as I was, I sparked a fight with her.. I argued with her about any and everything until she left my home. She left crying and praying for me. I was a mess. She went back to Utah, where she lived, and continued praying for me. In the following week, everyone that knew me was fearful for me. No one knew how to help me.
One morning my father came over to talk with me. He said to me, 'You need desperate help. I dont know what is going on with you and I dont know if I want to know. I will do whatever you need to help you.' At that moment, I looked at him and said, 'Dad, I need to leave. I need to go away. I need to go be near Mom so she can pray for me. Will you please drive with me to Utah? I'm afraid to go alone.' He said 'whatever it takes, that is what I will do.' That night I packed my things and left the apt. for my friends to take care of. I told them I'd be back soon, that I was going to get help. I told them I loved them and to please take care of my things. These were all my homosexual friends. I was really a mess... I hadnt eaten in a few days and I hadnt slept a good sleep in about a week... I looked like death. So the next morning my father showed up, we packed my car, and off we went... and all along the way I fought mental battles. There were times when I felt like driving right off a cliff or into oncoming traffic... and I didnt know why. I just fought it and tried to stay focused.
We arrived in Utah. After dropping me off at my mother's, my father turned around and went back home. They were separated at the time. I began telling my mother that I needed God to help me... that I couldnt stop the torment in my mind again, and that I needed her to pray for me. She took me to a nearby shelter where she first lived when she moved to Utah. There was a lady there that she would study the scriptures with. Her name was Sonia. She explained to Sonia what I had shared with her, and Sonia took me outside on the porch to talk. She asked me my background, so I expressed to her how I came to faith in Christ a few years back but had been involved in gross sins. After telling her about my life, she looked at me and said, 'What are your plans?' I said, 'what do you mean?' She said, 'why did you come here? what is it that you want?' I said, 'Well I need God to help me. I am tormented in my mind and I need Him to stop it. He did it before, and I know He can do it again.' She said, 'then what are you going to do after He heals you?' I said, 'well, since I know homosexuality is wrong, I'm thinking of going down to Georgia to be with this ex-boyfriend of mine. We'll probably get married.' She looked at me and said, 'I see. Well, it sounds like you really don't need God.' "What?" , I said. "Sure I do... that is why I'm here." Sonia said, 'You have your whole life planned out like you dont need Him at all. Is He just your Santa in the sky?" And at that moment I felt His presence all around me... I felt His peace overwhelm me. I knew He was talking right to me, getting my attention. I thought on it for a second, and bowed my head in shame. "You're right" I told her, "You're absolutely right. What do you suggest I do?" She looked at me and said, "Give your life to Him. All of it. This is what He wants from you.. not just a part time relationship. Let Him direct you what you are to do and where you are to go. Trust Him." I knew God was speaking right to me.. so I looked at her, vowed that I would, thanked her, hugged her and left. On my way home, I looked at the moon... it seemed so majestic to me, different than any other night I had seen it. So I told God that I would cut off all relationships with everyone in my life at the time... I would talk to no one, make no plans, and just seek His face.
In the days to come, I continued to be tormented, and in response to it, I read His word non-stop. I took it everywhere with me.. even into the shower! I slept with it... I literally absorbed it.... It was all I knew to do to stop the suicidal thoughts. I still hadn't eaten much or had restful sleep. About a week later, after all the torment was still going on, one night I went to my mother. I begged her to pray over me and to beg God to please let me get just one night of uninterrupted rest. So she did... she laid her hands on me, and began praying over me, as she was rubbing my back. I drifted into a deep sleep.
The next morning, I awoke. But this morning was different than all the others. I had slept through the night, uninterrupted! And when I arose, the first words out of my mouth were, 'I'm filled with the Holy Spirit!' My mother looked at me and said, 'What did you say?' I looked back at her and said, 'What did I say?' I then ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror. My face was glowing.. and I had a smile from ear to ear that I could not erase no matter how hard I tried. The tormenting thoughts were completely gone. I fell on my knees and thanked the Lord over and over for healing me. I knew He had met me and healed me during the night. In the days to come, my life dramatically changed. I was so filled with Him that everyone I met encountered His love. It was the most awesome time of my entire life. I continued to hunger and thirst for His word, getting involved in every church service I could... any bible study I could... whether at home fellowships or in a church setting. My love and growth in God began to truly blossom, and my heart was 'constantly' singing words of praise to Him. Everywhere I went, whether work, church or home, I hummed songs of worship to Him, without thinking twice about it. It had become a part of who I was.. I learned later, after studying the scriptures with other believers, what had happened to me that last, final week of torment. There is a verse in Colossians 3:16 that says this... "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." then Ephesians 5:18b-20 says this..."be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." The result of being filled with His Spirit comes from dwelling on His word.... This was what I experienced in my life... His word was transforming me that week as I submitted to His will.. in His timing... and in His way. Out of all this, I wrote a poem that year to my Great Lord and Savior, whom I will always love and forever praise:
"On My Father's Back"
"On my Father's back I'll ride,
free from harm and deceitful plans,
He loves me so, with all He is,
for I'm written on the palm of His hands,
I don't know why I tried to leave,
from the very hand who holds me securely..
When I was oppressed and had no hope,
I was despaired with life, and I couldn't cope,
I ran to every hand that reached out to me,
even to the deceitful hand of the enemy.
But in my despair I forgot to reach,
out to the hand that holds me securely.
He doesn't let go you know, for He will not lose one,
after all I'm in the hand of Him and His son.
But in my haste to find relief from what tortured me so,
I ran from Him, and decided to let go...
I wanted to die; all I saw was night,
until I looked to the Creator of light.
I only looked for a brief second - a moment of time,
but that's all it took to see His hand in mine.
He led me away from the fear of death,
from the one who never wanted to give me rest,
The enemy held on though, and with all his might,
tried to keep me in that dark place called night.
But my Savior reigns and forever will,
and with His authority, He made the enemy still.
He pulled me from the grips of death,
and restored my life in His place of rest...
I love Him so, this Lord of mine-
for He's devoted to me throughout all time...
He calls me His bride, His beloved one,
and out of His love for me, He sent to death His only Son.
It's hard to fathom this Great God of mine,
who, despite all my faults, loves me throughout time...
When He looks at me, He sees a precious gem,
a work of art, created by Him...
But in my mind, He's the diamond, the precious one,
I love Him so, the Father and Son...
I love you Father and am so grateful for your love,
I can't wait to be with you in that place above,
But until that day when being in His presence I no longer lack,
I'll continue to ride on my Father's back..."
Since then, I have been growing strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. I've been walking strong with Him for 9 years now, even though I initially made my confession of faith 17 years ago. It is my desire to help any and all that I can who struggle with what I did or with sin that enslaves them. He has opened up ministries for me to do so, and all the honor, glory, and praise go to Him. What an absolutely awesome, merciful and compassionate God I serve.
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