An unsuccessful clash of razors and religion. - by Lenore.
If any of you have ever been in the position that I was recently in and still are in (kinda') you know the undeniable tension between being a cutter, and no one knows and being true to your religion and being open with those around you.... either that or you just think I'm crazy (lol) either one is fine with me.... but I'd like to share with you.... some of how I have been able to ... stop cutting for what has now been 2 months and 2 days... (and counting :o))SO here goes... my story to date covers about a 6 month range of time... in the beginning when I first started cutting... I did it because I would hear about it at school, on tv, from friends (all of which were completely against it) (even those of my friends who were doing it didn't like it) but I had always heard... it's such a release it lets you feel the pain you can't feel and for me. My home life is very hard and getting harder by the moment. I have problems with my mother a no-show dad and I duno I just never felt right.... but those fights with my mohter were (and still are) the worst....I mean it would be like a physical fight along with those emotional pains and she'd say stuff to me that would just... wow... It hurt I would pretend like I didn't care and that it didn't matter, but of course I cared and it did matter... so about two months after I did the lets tell no one (besides a close cousin) I decided wow I shouldn't be cutting (no duh!) and I decided to do it on my own try to stop the cycle of cutting .... mind you I had a church two in fact great people I was connected in the youth groups and yea wonderful place... but it always felt like oh no, I can't tell these people they will cast me out .... they'll tell my mom ... they won't understand.
Then I started drinking (just a little like a shot or two or a mix like a mudslide without the ice) and opening up to my youth pastor at FPC's girlfriend who we'll call A*(about cutting not drinking).... she actually kinda saw me trying to do it and so we talked bit by bit .... I felt okay I can tell A* but no one else... (yeah right) then came the winter retreat so I went it was all youth (and then like 4 leaders) the youth pastor asked what's our blank, our blank being somthing we've done and aren't proud of but are willing to admit.
So I wrote him a note and gave it to him that night telling him I'd been cutting for like a while and yea that was it... so the next morning I'm in the kitchen of the cabin and the youth pastor who we'll call N* starts talking to me asking about stuff.
So I just took a deep breath ... and told him he said he'd want to tell my mom (but luckily that slipped his mind once we got back from the trip) so I kinda talked to A* off and on but I saw her most every week then my other church RC had a Wednesday night session called Life Hurts, God Heals and it was for exactly that thing cutting,addictions etc.... so I went still cutting maybe like once a week or sometimes once every two weeks... sometimes more... never less... this is now month three and a half or so so like two weeks -ish into this program I confide in my small group leader (we'll call DK*) so DK* goes and tells one of the other small group leaders S* so S* calls me and we talk a little and I was frankly really mad that DK* had said anything to anyone and the S* tells me shes going to have to tell the youth pastor D* so st the next group D* S* and DK* all come up and surround me in this little room and whew I could've sworn I could have passed out right there.... and so Pastor D* is telling me how they'd have to tell my mother and all this and so I just cant deal with it I'm just a mess.... and so DK* gives me a ride home and I just I duno I'm especially angry because I'd asked D* is that exact situation came up would he tell the parents and he said no so I'm mad now that hes saying how he wants to tell my mother... and so yea... I decided out of fear... I'm just not going to do it I just I duno I'd already mannaged to stop the drinking and I told myself I can stop cutting too. So I used the support of my friends, pastors, church, my cousin, everyone other than my family... so I start counting the weeks and days.. all the while I'm being tempted every day.... but I still had the youth leaders and I ended up telling most of them and just goodness through this all I've been prayed for so many times.... and by so many different trusted people and look at me now I'm not good but I'm a whole lot...better I haven't cut for 2 months and 2 days.... and I'm still going I want to now make my life an example I want people to be drawn to me I want to be able to share my experience with all, especially anyone who is in the same type of situation I'm in.... and now if I look back at some of the points in my journey through all of this I see I was pure devil all those times I was afraid to tell .. all those things when I said its okay I can have a drink or making just a little cut wont matter... guess what... it matters and I see now God is the thing that really pulled me through this all.
California, United States
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