I FINALLY SURRENDERED
I am 35 yrs old and I have two daughters, Kathrina age 19, and Alaina age seven (2005). God has placed such a passion in my heart to share with anyone and everybody. I get so excited at what God has brought my kids and I out of!!! I just know all the years I endured so much will not be wasted, I feel as if my life is a living sacrifice. I will go anywhere and do anything for God.
When my mom was pregnant with me (she loves God too!!) they had someone prophecy over her and they said that baby inside of her will one day be used for God. Then a second time it happened again; I was probably about four years old. A special speaker at our church came up to my mom and said this little girl will do something big for God.
I have had a passion in my heart for years and have dealt with unbelievable spiritual battles. These last 20 years I was being pulled away from God by the devil. I know now its because God has a ministry out there for me and praise God Almighty, we beat the devil 1 1/2 years ago!!! I finally surrendered...
So let me start at the beginning, when I was 15, and I became pregnant with my now 19-yr-old daughter. Her father never even knew about her, even to this day. Four months later I was married to a man who was five years older than me. At that time, I was 16, married and a mom. I began smoking alot of marijuana and drinking excessively. I also abused prescription drugs. My husband was abusive and also an alcoholic.
I would go on and off with God all the time. When my daughter was seven years old I left my husband for my second husband, who I was having an affair with. At this point I was 22 and all in one day I moved in with him and picked my daughter up from school that same day, took her to our new home which would end up being the sickest, horrifically abusive marriage for over five years. During those five years my daughter and I were living in hell-really. I began an addiction to vicodin (pain-killers) and that addiction lasted over two years. I was taking over 17 extra strength vicodin a day and would be drinking too. I finally confided in my mom and she prayed over me and I was amazingly delivered right then and there.
Vicodin is one of the hardest drugs to come off of, and after that (now clear headed) my mom bought me a car and I found a job and moved out into my own place with Kathrina now 12 years old. During that five years with this man, my daughter and I were exposed to horrific mental and physical abuse; he also had two small kids who lived with us half the time. I can remember the time we had gotten the kids bunnies for Easter (we lived on 10 acres). He made them watch while he killed all three of them with a dull knife - it was horrible. Things like that happened all the time. Once he made the kids dig a hole and made our dog go in it and then he shot him. When we finally got free, like I said, my mom bought me a car and I got my own place.
At this point Kathrina is 12 and I am so beat down emotionally and physically, every way you can think of. I was weak and vulnerable and now 27. I immediately met my now seven-year-old's father. He took me to my first bar and boy did I love it!! He taught me how to really drink! Two months later I was pregnant with Alaina. We debated on keeping her or not (in my last marriage I had two abortions), but I just couldn't bring myself to destroying another life, so we kept her.
I was with her father almost two years. He was controlling, abusive and an alcoholic. When I was pregnant I caught him having an affair with our friend. He would kick me and hit me all the time. I ended up working for him. He was a manager of a gas station. I had to work nights, Kathrina was 13 and I had to take care of Alaina because he would be gone drinking. Kathrina went downhill fast; she was suicidal and began cutting herself, and dropped out of school.
I started using methamphetamines (crank), vicodin, and valium. I was never sober. I was oblivious to my daughter's struggles let alone my baby. One day at work he hit me in front of customers and that was the final straw! I called my head office and said my manager just hit me. I kept my job, he quit, and I took both my girls and moved out into once again my own place. My oldest, Kathrina, still not in school, was left to babysit while I worked. I obtained 100% custody of Alaina (surprisingly -my drug abuse was excessive) Shortly after that I quit my job and took Alaina (now two years old) to her daddy's and said I would return in a couple of days. The same day Kathrina moved to my sister's. I wouldn't see my baby again for nine months.
That day I absolutely lost it and just spiraled downhill hard and fast. I became the local drug dealer's girlfriend; he paid my rent, bills, and kept me in endless supply of crank. He would also lace the crank with black tar heroine. Nine months later he said I was too spun out and cut me off. During the time I was with this drug dealer I was in many raids and put in harm's way but miraculously, I was never arrested!! A short time after I stopped being with him, he was shot and killed in his home. God brought me out of another situation alive.
Kathrina moved back in and we started the court process to get Alaina back. By this time I knew so many dealers; I was using still and doing anything for the drug. I also was at the local bar every day. Kathrina was now 14 and would drop me off at the bar and come later to pick me up (I would be more than likely passed out on the pavement outside). Kathrina and I drank and smoked pot together. In the middle of all this, we went to court and I got 50% custody back of Alaina.
Our phone was shut off and then our hot water was shut off. We would go to my moms one to two times a week for showers. I lost the apartment and we moved in with my mom (on her livingroom floor is where we slept) for ten months. Within that time, I allowed Kathrina to get married (14).
I was still battling my addictions. I went through a drug rehab and got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous. We all thought FINALLY I was clean and sober but that only lasted for four months. I had met a guy at a new job and broke my sobriety (everytime through my whole life, when I would get close to God, a man would come along and throw me off base). My daughter and I moved in with him (anything was better than my mom's livingroom floor). Kathrina got a divorce and I sank right back into my addictions -- having 50% custody of my little one but always making up excuses to not having her. Kathrina was fed up by this point and moved out. So once again, that woke me up.
At this point, I was 31-32 and I moved out into my own place now for the first time ever, all alone. I began getting close to God again attending church, and then a man I worked with began giving me crank, so off I went again (I am not exactly sure of what my age was); I ended up losing my new apartment and moving back in with the prior guy, mainly as friends. I began bartending - never seeing my kids, and this is when I met my third husband (about two years ago - maybe a little longer). I was impressed with him because he would come to the bar and not drink. He said he was clean and sober. Finally in my mind a man who had what I wanted. I thought God had sent him to me. One month later we were married.
I was building my relationship with God - we were going to church. Then one day he said let's go have on a drink. I saw no harm in it. Little did I know later that night I would be smoking crack. This continued for a few months. He was arrested five different times for beating me up. My mom once again rescued me and bought me a car (I was with him ten months). I decided I would get a job and leave him; I quit using and drinking and looked for a job and was successful. I moved out and had two roommates from work.
I was doing well...reading my bible, back with God. Within a month I was out at the bars and clubs (this 1 1/2 yr ago, I was 33-34. My life once again was going down hill fast but God knew what would get my attention. A MAN!! At work I met this man who ended up being my boyfriend. He was in AA and was clean and sober for three years. Now he had what I wanted. I hung out with him and talked about God; our relationship ended but God put him in my life just at the right time (Gods perfect timing). Finally I realized all I had to do was SURRENDER to God and he would do the rest; all He wanted was for me to come to Him and I was ready!
I was broken and emptied which is what had to happen in order for God to begin His beautiful transformation in me. That was one and 1/2 yrs ago and WOW -- my life has changed in such miraculous ways. I got a promotion at work and now make $40,000 a year. I just moved into a brand new two bedroom apartment about four months ago and for the last year and a half I have had Alaina, now 7, every weekend. My relationship with Kathrina, now 19, (and pregnant, yes I will be a grandma at 35) is beautiful. I attend church regularly. If these are all the blessings I get for the rest of my life I am truly blessed.
I am so thirsty for God. God has truly beat the devil; I give all the glory to God because I had nothing to do with it. I just surrendered. I truly have this passion in my heart to share my story (in person I get so excited!!). I now know my life has been a living sacrifice to help others. I only want His will and purpose for me. I do or go wherever he wants me to go. I am on fire for God and am so in love with our Father.
P.S. This last month my grandma passed away and my mom asked me to put the memorial service together at my church. So I had the honor of doing that (out of three sisters) and for the first time at the memorial I spoke in front of all of them telling them of what God has done for me. They were simply in awe. The memorial was beautiful!!!
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