I Looked Up and Behold… I Saw God
I got to a point in my life where I just didn’t see anything else to live for. Was getting bored of smoking marijuana everyday. I played online multiplayer pc games all the time at home. After a few years of those games I got pretty bored with them too. Smoking weed all the time made me really lazy. Had absolutely no desire to go to college and had no vision or goals in life. Despised going to work everyday although my job wasn't too bad other than low income. After I had moved out of my parents house I lived with a few friends here and there, never making enough money to live independently. After bad experiences with girls I wasn’t looking for a companion, lost all trust in people. Getting high was my best friend and that was losing its appeal.
One day, after looking diligently for a new game to indulge in, I came to the realization that I was never going to find the satisfaction that I was looking for in a game or drugs. Seeing what life had brought me and what little options I had, I concluded that my life was lived without purpose and in vain. I felt a collapse on the inside of me like I had just died. The next few days I dragged around at work feeling pretty worthless and hopeless and I wasn't a very friendly person to be around.
Then strange things started happening... Random people throughout the day would start talking about things concerning God. Some of the people weren’t even Christian. I’m a mail currier for the Department of Social Services in Louisiana and I run across a lot of people throughout the day who certainly don’t know each other. One person I came across said something about God, and later that day someone else who had absolutely no relation to the first person said "Someone is trying to get your attention." At first I kind of looked at her strange and said "huh?", and she pointed up signifying God. My first thought of course was that it was just a strange coincidence, but I guess because I had nothing else to live for I was open for the first time in my life to actually see when God was trying to get my attention. I admitted in my heart that this was God and looked up toward heaven and said, "I see you now God, I can never turn my back on you again." Life started getting really strange at this point. Soon after I got a letter in the mail from my Step mom inviting me to my Dad’s birthday party (whom I hadn't seen in over three years). So I went after feeling pretty bad for avoiding him all this time. I guess the real reason I avoided him was because I knew he was a Christian and I had strong conviction when I was around them being on drugs and all the other things I was doing. After visiting him a few times he invited me to church. I was ready for a new life.
God had waited to the perfect moment in my life that I would see that there was nothing for me in the world and when I got saved I would really mean it and go all the way. So that’s just what happened, I managed to get enough strength to go down to the alter and give my life over to Jesus. Despite all the thoughts going through my head trying to convince me other wise. I was listening to my heart instead of my head. After leaving church that night I felt like a kid again, like the world was new. All burdens had left me that I didn't even realize I had. Everything seemed to start making perfect sense. You know when you go and clean house or something of the sort and you throw a bunch of stuff away that you don't use and you have this feeling like you are free from it now. The peace of God is like throwing away the whole world, like being free from it, cleansed... The Saturday before I was at church (They have a Saturday and Sunday service at this church) a woman spoke out during the service and said aloud, "There is a choice you are going to make, fear not, for it is I". And some reason I had a gut feeling that was meant for me. I was back home that night, I had just run out of weed before the weekend and was compelled to get some more, which was easy seeing that I lived with my supplier. I got up to go into the next room to get another bag but the whole time I was walking I was telling myself not to over and over again but as if I had no control over myself I did it anyway. After smoking I felt like throwing up which I hadn't felt since five years before when I smoked for the first time. This was sort of another eye opener for me realizing that this feeling was significant. That night while I was trying to go to sleep I had many confusing thoughts going through my head. Like someone was talking to me, trying to convince me that God was the big deceiver in that he was the light and also the fire as in hell, and that satan was the true God. Which was completely opposite of what my heart was desiring. Recognize that these were not my own thoughts I said "Show me your face!" and there on the back of my couch I saw what looked like a shadow shaped like a face. Closing my eyes to block it out I fell to sleep. The next morning I woke up with a cut across my forehead. The choice that I spoke of earlier.. well I was wondering if I should move out and go live with my dad. After that night the choice became pretty clear and I moved out. A few weeks later in church something else very strange happened to me which has changed me forever. I was standing in church, it was during praise and worship, I was trying to lift my hands to humble myself to God but my arms seemed to be stuck by my side. Feeling helpless I started crying out to God nonverbally for about two minutes. Then suddenly, ( I will try to explain this the best I can) as if my body was an empty shell filled with water my whole life and didn't know it, I felt as if all my insides suddenly ran out of me straight into the ground. Almost as if it was alive and scurrying out of me. Standing in a state of shock, 30 seconds later I felt something tingly on the top of my head. At first I thought I was just getting goose bumps in a weird place because of what had just happened. But then it started to spread from the tip top slowly coming down all over my head like syrup or oil. Very tingly all over the whole time, it got on the top of my shoulders as well, and then seemed to just soak in. I have to say that if anything changed the way I see things it was that. Any and all doubt has left me since that day. God no longer seems like a distant theory but an absolute reality. Its one thing to believe in God’s existence but another to actually have a first hand encounter realizing that He was right there next to you all the time, waiting on you to come to him.
One of the strangest parts about it is when I tell my friends or other people in the world they simply don’t believe me. They look for any excuse to discredit what I say, one guy even told me “What makes you happy might not make me happy.” If I talk to them for too long about what happened they start getting upset or agitated and change the subject or act like they need to go. This can get very frustrating seeing that all I’m doing is telling them the truth of my experience with compassion because it IS THE TRUTH. It seems as though my entire world has been turned inside out and upside down, my whole sense of reality has changed and without God’s help I promise I would be in a mental institution right now.
The same week I got saved I was also freed from cigarettes which I had been into for about six years. All desire to smoke and the cravings were gone. I went around telling people that God had delivered me from smoking and most people kind of smiled like they were happy for me but also looking at me like I was nuts at the same time. Some people doubted that God had done it so much that they themselves tried to quit too without His help, I guess to prove me wrong. Of course this only lasted a week at the most then they gave up and went back. Its been nine months now since I’ve had a cigarette and I feel amazingly better. I could never have done it without God’s help, I’ve tried many times.
I’ve had a few other incidences since then that was absolutely the hand of God in my life. Which I believe are solely purposed for me to share with others along with my salvation experience. Hmm I think the first one was when I had been trying to make right all the people that I had wronged or had conflict with. One lady and I had a bit of a disagreement and I had to pass by her desk everyday at work. The atmosphere was just too uncomfortable in the room so I started seeking God on how to resolve this problem. I was reading the Bible and certain Scripture stood out to me, Proverbs 21:14 A gift in secret pacifies anger… So I mentioned it to my Stepmother because I didn’t know what kind of gift to get her. She got an artificial flower that you would clip either on your clothes or in your hair. I printed out the scripture, cut it out, and clipped it in the flower. I snuck it on her desk when she wasn’t looking and went about my work. As I was coming back later that day I saw here going from office to office searching for who had done it. When she saw me she asked “Did you put this on my desk, Bryan?”. I grinned and replied with a yes, so she hugged me and said she wasn’t angry. Anyhow it worked perfectly as the scripture had said. When I got on the elevator to go upstairs to my office, a guy in the elevator congratulated me but didn’t say what for. At first I was confused wondering if he had saw what just happened. But when I asked he said that me and one other guy got a raise. It stood out so obvious to me that God had given me this raise. I just smiled really big and probably looked pretty strange because of the way I responded.
Another time, as I was driving to work and praying to God, I felt as though something was not right. So I asked God what was up and immediately the song on the radio changed and every word was Jesus Christ, I haven’t heard that song before or since, but what I discerned that God was trying to tell me was that I had been leaving Jesus out of all my thoughts and I wasn’t praying in His name either, which was true. The bible says that the Holy Spirit will lead and guide us into all truth.
Another time I remember when a guy came up to me begging for a dollar. So I checked my wallet and all I had was a five. I knew though that I could use this for an excellent witnessing tool. So I gave him the money and he thanked me and said, “God will bless you.” But I told him, “God has already blessed me, and if you serve him he will bless you as well.” At the very next stop (on my mail run at work) a lady that owned me ten dollars gave me a five dollar bill, I was amazed and told her what had just happened and she was amazed as well.
One time as I was taking a shower, I was thinking of another guy that I hadn’t gotten along with before I was saved. I was asking God to give me the strength to humble myself and apologize to this guy even though I felt most of it was his wrong doing. I dropped my soap and as I was reaching down to get it I hit my head pretty hard on a shelf in the shower. Rubbing my head, suddenly the names Shadrack, Meshack, and Abendigo popped in my head. I remembered this was a bible story I had heard as a child but completely forgot what it was about. So I looked up the story and it was about three guys who refused to deny who their God was and was thrown into a burning furnace for it. But the fire did not hurt them at all, it didn’t even singe their hair any. And they saw another figure standing with them in the midst of the fire who they said had the appearance of the Son of Man (Jesus). God was telling me that no matter what I do for the sake of Jesus, he would be with me. So I did gain the strength to confront this man and he was surprised, not only did I apologize but I was able to use it as a witness for the Lord. Walking away from him I felt the presence of God all over me, a sense of peace I had never known before.
Once while I was at work walking down the hall to a mail drop off I began to think about the lady I was about to come to. I strongly felt like God wanted to use her more and it would bring her joy. I didn’t know what but I felt strongly enough about it to tell her. She asked me why I felt like that and I couldn’t give a definite answer. All I could think was that it was God speaking to her. She told me the day before (Sunday) her Pastor had called her to a meeting later that week to come be a part of the church ministry. I don’t know who was more surprised me or her, probably me, she said she had prayed to God asking if this was His will for her, and He used me to confirm it.
As each day goes on I draw closer and closer to Gods heart. The more I know him the more wonderful he seems to be. The “new wine” Jesus spoke about.. I know exactly what he was talking about, I’m intoxicated in His presence on a daily basis, and I’m not speaking figuratively. The presence of the Holy Spirit is like a drug that doesn’t mess up your mind or your body. It just makes you feel good and happy, so if you ever wonder why I smile so much this is why. I know it may not sound right at first but truly, drugs are counterfeits of the feelings that the Holy Spirit gives you. I know most of you have probably heard the saying “drunk in the spirit”, well they aren’t just silly, confused, or tired people saying this. In fact I bet most of them have been drunk before in their life and know the difference. God actually uses these feelings to make you hungry for him and to prepare you for situations, such as giving you peace all day before news of a death hits you.
Anyway… this isn’t Christianity 101, I could go on forever about what God has revealed to me and how he has changed me. I wish all who read this would take me seriously because this is serious business. Don’t miss the opportunity for eternal life in heaven as opposed to hell, It’s a free gift…. Remember that God is waiting on YOU to come to Him and get salvation. He isn‘t going to force you to choose life.
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